Declaration of War On Fun

4/19/08
STEVE ALLEN THEATER, HOLLYWOOD, CA
MUSICAL GUEST: MARCO MINNEMANN

We are gathered here tonight, on the conjunction and combustion of April 19th and April 20, 2008, at the Center For Inquiry in Hollywood, CA, to Declare War On Fun. I, Dr. Zoltan, am joined by several Repositioned Consumers who will assist me in various multi-media tasks to celebrate and document this momentous occasion. There will be no comedy tonight. The Steve Allen Theater is hereby a designated No-Fun Zone for the duration of the evening. Dr. Zoltan demands that you take the following presentation VERY seriously, as War is a very serious matter. But if you prefer fun, then you can switch to sites such as FM카지노.

I have chosen this particular time-space to Declare War because this very midnight is a social vortex of immense historical-political-conspiracy cult power. These two days mark the anniversaries of The Columbine Shootings, The Assassination of the Branch Davidians, Oklahoma City Bombing, Hitler’s Birthday… and Dr. Zoltan shall also mark this conjunction and combustion for all humans to remember!

Many in the audience are curiously asking themselves and each other, what is all of this talk about the War On Fun? What is wrong with having Fun? Why is Fun… so bad? Aren’t there more important issues to worry about? Dr. Zoltan, why do not you instead declare War on the imperialist, fascist theocracy that has taken over our republic? Why do not you direct your efforts towards peace in the Middle East or lowering gas prices?

Dr. Zoltan is here to declare that fun is the reason the U.S. is in the clutches of an Energy Crisis. Dr. Zoltan submits to you that Fun is the reason behind the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. That is correct. The U.S. Military has invaded foreign lands in order to defend YOUR right to have fun and waste your energy.

Humans waste energy in the following THREE ways:

NUMBER ONE:
Driving their inefficient vehicles to unnecessary and unimportant destinations. The inefficiency of a vehicle can be calculated using the Machine To Meat Rating, which will be explained in a moment.

Let us look at an example:
Sally weighs 125 pounds. Her gasoline-powered car machine weighs 2,000 pounds, 16 times more than her body. She lives in Los Angeles and wants to drive to San Francisco for the weekend to party with her friends. It is about 750 miles round trip. It will cost her about $100 in gasoline to take her 2,000 pound car and her 125 pound body on the road trip.

It would cost her $3.75 worth of electricity to ride an electric scooter that same distance, the same price as… one single gallon of gasoline. Not one tank. One GALLON.

However, maybe Sally doesn’t drive a small car. Maybe she drives a pickup truck that weighs 4,000 pounds.That will cost her $140 in gasoline. Or maybe she drives a Hummer SUV, which weighs 6,000 pounds. That will cost her $200. Compare that to the electric scooter which will cost $3.75 round trip. $3.75 round trip. An electric scooter can travel 750 non-consecutive miles for $3.75.

Of course, scooters are not ideal for long road trips. But Sally drives her gasoline-powered automobile to and from work all month, 25 miles round trip, which works out to the same distance travelled. 750 miles a month.

For those skeptical minds out there, how many pounds of machine should it require to move a pound of meat?

Honda Civic: 16 pounds of machine per 1 pound of meat
Toyota Tundra: 32 pounds of machine per 1 pound of meat
Hummer SUV: 48 pounds of machine per 1 pound of meat

Inefficient! Inefficient! Inefficient!

An electric-powered bicycle weighs approximately 50 pounds, less than half the weight of Sally’s meat. That comes out to 1 pound of machine per 2.5 pounds of meat!

Incredible!
How is this possible?
Why are humans using machines that weigh over 100x what is actually required to move the weight of meat? Is not that what these machines are used for? Efficiently moving meat from one place to another?

Surely, the human race can reduce the weight and complexity of its transportation devices and invent an efficient, safe, all-purpose 1-person vehicle? Somewhere between the concepts of the 50 pound electric bicycle and the 2,000-6,000 pound automobile, there must exist an ideal machine for moving humans from one place to another. Unfortunately, human technology is driven by consumerism. That is, until a machine can be mass produced and mass-marketed, it does not exist. Consumers are notorious for making bad choices.

NUMBER TWO:
Consuming food that contains excess energy, often more than 5,000 calories in one day. Every time a human “Bags a McMeal,” it consumes more energy than its body requires, and it is converted to blubber. As a result, its body becomes larger and requires more energy to sustain it. In essence, it is only eating to keep the parasitic fat alive. For the sake of having fun, the human machine is stuffing its system with sodium and sugar… and clogging its pipes with toxic preservative chemicals that make the food LOOK good rather than ingesting wholesome nutrients. Overeating is an exponential pseudo-addiction that wastes incredible amounts of energy.

NUMBER THREE:
Recreation and sports play a large role in the wasting of our national energy resources. Yuppies go to the gym and run for miles on treadmills, climb stair-steppers, and ride all sorts of energy-burning contraptions that go nowhere. Instead, all of that nervous energy should be used for pulling chariots around town. Bicyclists and joggers can be employed as messengers and deliver important educational information. Exercise bikes and rowing machines can be connected to an alternator to charge batteries for later use. The energy used for deafening sound systems and bright lights at disco clubs and rock concerts can be used much more wisely. Comedy clubs cause laughter, which expels and wastes an enormous amount of wind power. All of the energy that young humans spend dancing, flailing their limbs around, and shouting loudly into each others’ ears can power miniature windmills. And let us not ignore cruise ships, which feature every possible way of wasting energy combined.

The location of Hollywood, CA has been chosen for the Declaration of War On Fun because it is the epicenter of all wasted energy. Anyone who moves here from anywhere else in the country will soon discover how much energy is required simply to complete mundane tasks and daily errands. Simply parking your car can take more time than driving to your destination, as this city of Greater Los Angeles is home to the worst traffic in the world. It is also the biggest manufacturer of useless television shows, movies, celebrity gossip magazines, and commercials, which are distributed to hundreds of millions of television sets all over the country. Impractical yet stylish clothing and accessories are designed and sold at outrageous prices in trendy stores that should have never been opened. Rodeo Drive is home to the single most expensive store in the world, which sells socks for $50 a pair. On the other end of the consumerist spectrum, there are swarms of young humans who purchase silly, mismatched hats, jackets, sunglasses, and wristbands, like big kids wearing little kid clothes. Toys from a gum ball machine.

Musicians and actors clutter the streets in this town, and we all know that THEY are guilty of wasting more energy than anyone… pretending to be visionaries and artists, when all they REALLY want is to perpetuate their adolescent fantasies of superstardom. The majority of them will never reach the mainstream, and will live their lives as unknown failures. Some of them give up on being artists and attempt to move into a more technical position. In that case, their parents often pay their tuition for ridiculously overpriced recording business and “entertainment industry” colleges, capitalizing on their naive belief that they are going to get to intern for Rick Rubin on the new over-compressed System Against The Beastie Peppers album. Now THAT is a real waste of energy!

Dr. Zoltan has now proven that the current energy crisis is, in fact, due to a SURPLUS of energy. It is now well-established that Fun is where all of that energy is going. Fun is thus the #1 enemy. To save our world’s energy, Fun must be destroyed.

Join The War On Fun!
Join The War On Fun!
Join The War On Fun!
Join The War On Fun!
Join The War On Fun!

OATH
As war is a very serious undertaking, I will now ask all audience members to join me in swearing into service to the War On Fun under oath. Raise both hands in the air and repeat after me:

• I will not participate in pre-arranged social activities that make everyone feel the same.
• I will not purchase and wear unnecessary clothing accessories in the form of a costume, unless I am performing on a stage.
• I will not allow music to be performed in my presence without devoting my full conscious attention. Music must not be played in the background.
• I will not tell jokes and laugh with superficial conversation to make other humans comfortable.
• I will not make unnecessary bodily movements or make unnecessary gestures or sounds that waste valuable energy. I will not disturb those around me. I will contain myself to my own time-space.
• I will create more than I consume. I will make sure that my YouTube views are greater than my Videos Watched.
• I will not cruise up and down the Sunset Strip with loud, non-tonal music blasting from my sound system, mounted in an inefficient 6,000 pound vehicle.
• I will not engage in superficial, non-utilitarian activities that do not result in long-term benefits to my productivity and career.