April 24, 2008 – National "Do Something Important On The Internet Day"

April 24, 2008 – National “Do Something Important On The Internet Day”

Humanity is in danger of losing its most valuable tool, known to you various demographics as The Internet, The World Wide Web, Online, My Internet, The Internets, and The Interweb. But before I tell you how it is in danger, please allow Dr. Zoltan to give you a brief history of its evolution and cultural relevance.

First, there were Bulletin Board Systems. This was not such a bad idea, as there were no social trends and very little slang. It could be used to read magazines or download and share recipes. It required intelligence to work a computer in those days, so many of the users were educated scientists and hackers. The lower class were occupied with their blinking and beeping Nintendo game consoles, which only had a power and reset button… No Keyboard! Thus, personal computers promoted literacy through typing skills.

Then came the Internet, which originally amounted to a multitude of conversation threads called Usenet. Readers could communicate over long distances and share information on obscure bands in remote areas, or trade bootleg audio cassettes.

Then America Online and AOL Instant Messenger were created, tools that allowed humans to browse the directory to find other humans to chat with about common interests like horses or race cars. Humans who were unacceptable to other humans could find “friends” to send messages to. It was a way of socializing the unsociable.

Years later, something called Myspace happened, a website based on the concept of passive-aggressive communication and stalking. Instead of private messages, communication became public “comments” for everyone to read, which quickly became a fountainhead of jealousy. Numerous relationships between actual humans were destroyed by virtual mind games and bad social publicity.

Then there was YouTube, which is online television created by the consumers themselves, featuring videos of injuries and terrible stand-up comedy shot in living rooms and bad lighting. This did not amount to much, as once everyone on the planet owned a webcam, the system was clogged with home movies and amateur video essays that no one wants to watch.

And now all of the “eyeballs” are staring at… LOL Cats.

What has this advanced technology called the Internet become, when the most IMPORTANT thing on it is silly pictures of cats with poorly-typed phrases? Visits to Social Networking Sites such as Myspace and Facebook are down almost 90%. AOL Instant Messenger isn’t even being used anymore. Dr. Zoltan has not received a personal email in over 6 months.

The phenomenon of LOL Cats glorifies typos and illiteracy. Incorrectly spelling words is not funny. Furthermore, cats are not funny. Cats do not intend to make those ridiculous faces. Cats have no personality. They eat, sleep, chase bugs, and go to the bathroom. Cats are not intelligent enough to type, therefore, they can not make typos.

Someone must apply the brakes. Someone must come along and save the world from this vacuous meme. LOL Cats must be destroyed.

Dr. Zoltan declares this day, April 24, to be “Do Something Important On The Internet Day.”