Tvaarksanianica: Bay Area Center For The Digital Recording Arts

Context From Carl: According to the date in the text, I wrote this shortly after moving to San Francisco. More than anything, I was disappointed with The City. I think I moved there and expected real things like this to be happening every day — but instead, I had to invent them myself.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

New Gigantic 1,000,000 Sq. Ft. Digital Recording Studio To Be Built In Upper Haight District of San Francisco!

As of September 14, 2002, the entire block in the midst of Waller, Fredrick, Ashbury, and Masonic has been purchased by a group of Japanese Investors and will be torn down in the next 2 weeks to make way for an architectural monstrosity known as Tvaarksanianica! – Bay Area Center for the Digital Recording Arts.

The Center was legally founded last year by cult music-icon, Sir Millard Mulch, as a tax write-off — and when it is built, it will appear in the Guinness Book of World Records as The Largest Recording Studio In The World. The location was hand-picked by a vacationing Sir Millard Mulch in much the same way Bugsy picked the middle of the desert to build The Flamingo hotel. “I got out of my SUV to take a wiz on the side of Ashbury Market and I got this cool idea for a recording studio. I always wanted to move to California and start a huge recording studio, and I figured this is probably a good location to do it. I sat down right then and there and drew a sketch…the idea was there in a flash. It is about time that San Francisco becomes a musical haven… it has been barren of the arts long enough! It’s going to be HUGE — almost as huge as the name.”

Standing over 12 mighty stories tall and descending to over 7 subterranean levels deep, the mammoth structure is being designed by award winning Post-Modernist Architect, Akahito Fujiwara, and will house a state-of-the-art digital recording environment that will dwarf all local studios one-hundredfold, including local legends such as Different Fur and Hyde Street.

The granite deep beneath the surrounding neighborhood will be blasted, dug out, and dumped into the water near the Marina, which will expand the ritzy neighborhood even further. Some activists have raised their doubts about the safety of carving that much rock from beneath the neighborhood; some have even theorized that it could cause the entire peninsula to plunge deep into the ocean in the event of an earthquake.

Sir Millard Mulch’s team of structural engineers and lawyers have assured investors that more frequent but non-destructive earthquakes would be inevitable, but would mostly be caused by the music of the heavy, hard-rockin’ studio patrons.

Special high-profile clients will be given the Honorary George Lucas Suite and helicopter landing and emergency escape pad on the northwest face of the building, with an adjoining virtual reality video game arcade similar to 벳엔드 가입코드, and private health spa available for musical guests who want to ease the tension of working in the high-stress studio environment.

While some local recording engineers have wondered whether 70,000 square feet is really necessary, others have surmised that it will probably be allocated to allow proper cooling of the new Apple Macintosh G5 Triple-Processor Towers, which could also cause the climate of Upper Haight to increase to reach average temperatures similar to those in Southwest Florida. Air conditioning would then be required in all houses in the neighborhood, increasing the need for a new nuclear power plant to be built in the area.

The building will house over 300 terrabytes in digital Firewire data storage capacity and a mega-mall style parking lot for over 200 of the 1,300 employee vehicles. While it is not yet known how many employees will be re-located from the company’s original homebase in Santa Clara, it is assumed that this will no doubt help to generate more traffic in local bagel, coffee, and other trendy stores along Haight Street. A Starbucks will also be built at the peak of the structure, with a rotating glass elevator and balcony. A high-speed magnetic train which will speed employees to and from Silicon Valley with drive-on SUV transport platforms is also included in the blueprints, but has not yet received approval from the California Department of Transportation.

All cellular communications and high speed internet in the building will be provided by Sprint 3G, and additional towers will be erected in Ashbury Heights to accomodate the higher bandwidth.

A Mexican fast-food restaurant called El Grande (Taco Bell’s major east-coast competitor) is also being proposed, as some funding is already being received by Monsanto. A portion of the subterranean office space will be allocated and utilized for researching new and innovative ways to grow safe and relatively inexpensive Genetically Modified Organisms.

The remainder of the lower-level space will be dedicated to a 4-year State-Accredited rock-n-roll recording and mixing institution. The school will be staffed by special hand-picked rock music tour veterans from in and around the Bay Area, and the curriculum will focus on hands-on vocational training and prepare students for surviving on the road.

The studio is currently accepting applications from qualified recording engineers. Applicants are expected to have a deep understanding of the operation and implementation of potentiometers in a studio application setting. Some experience with ProTools is necessary but not required. Should have strong people skills and be able to work around eccentric musicians and producers. Please apply in person to the above address. There are currently 50 slots available. Tvaarksanianica Bay Area Center for the Digital Recording Arts is an Equal Opportunity Employer.

There will also be a meeting of the Citizens for the Beautification of Upper Haight on the corner of Murray and Stiffler on October 1, 2002 at 9p.m. We will draft a letter to the local congressional leaders to enact a statute to allow buildings over ten stories to be constructed in the area.

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WANTED: RECORDING ENGINEER
Must have extensive knowledge of the following recording mediums, studio gear, and applications: ProTools. Must be able to point an SM-57 at a snare-drum. Should have a pony-tail. Soul-patch not required, but preferred. Beret or backwards baseball cap optional. Must be able to nod head and say, “Sounds Tight.” Most importantly, the ideal candidate should be able to work without compensation in a high-stress studio environment dominated by egomaniacal supervisors. Must be able to take a beating from seasoned rock veterans and work long, unpredictable hours. Must be a graduate of Full-Sail. Having rich parents is encouraged. We are looking for someone who wants to get down in the trenches and really dig in. Must be able to think on your feet, but not so much as to be required to exercise any creativity or independent thought. Should be able to cover your tracks well, if you know what we mean. Please Fax resume to number below. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE!