I Got Fired From The Ween Tour

Context From Carl: This never actually happened, but that didn’t stop some magazines from printing it in 2005. I came up with this scheme: if I couldn’t become well-known for being in bands, I could be well-known for being FIRED from bands. It worked. I wrote this in 2004 or something.

• • •

Well, my gig as a backup keyboardist for Ween came to an abrupt end tonight. They kept getting pissed because I was noodling out my tunes in between sets and getting the audience too distracted. And get this: I kept jumping around pretending to play solos on my Apple Keyboard, with the USB cable flying all over the place, at one point popping Mickey in the eye. Every time Mickey or Aaron would say, “We’re Ween,” I would say, “And I’m Sir Millard Mulch!” Then when they’d say, “This song is called _______ by Ween,” I would say, “And Sir Millard Mulch is playing keyboards on it!” At first they thought it was cute (like, the first time) but I kept the joke going too long and really pissed them off. I kept just jumping in front of them and dancing around with the Apple Keyboard and throwing Sir Millard Mulch discs at cute girls. It was fun while it lasted. Not my fault if these guys don’t have a sense of humor. At least I still get my two-weeks of rehearsal salary (which I haven’t spent yet, luckily they sent me home after one day), to try and find another apartment. My girlfriend is going to be bummed, because she was getting like 13 of her friends into the show in Chicago (that is where she is from.) So I am sitting here in the hotel and I am heading back to California tomorrow on a Greyhound at noon. It’s a 2.5 day trip, but I don’t mind. I like to look out the window, and it’s better than flying. I tried to convince them to reimburse me for renting a car, but they just gave me a dirty look. I figured I could see a few friends on the way if I drove, but too bad.