By Albert Chodeson, Associated Press Writer
Pasadena, Cali. (AP) – Experts at Rolling Stone Magazine and Alternative Press, two leading fashion magazines, have hypothesized that the loss of the $165M Mars Polar Lander could be due to a practical joke by a small record company called Ed Furniture on the west coast of Florida (based less than 200 miles from NASA).
Ed Furniture was founded in 1998 by Sir Millard Mulch, a musician who wanted his music to be heard without having to release it on a major label. Local eyewitnesses have claimed that employees of Ed Furniture can be seen daily at post offices, sending out countless promotional CD’s to random radio stations, distributors, magazines, managers, and rock stars. Oddly, the company does not ever receive a response from all their efforts.
Martha Shiznitz, part-time postal worker at South Venice Post Office recalled: “One of them came in here one time and said, ‘Sometimes I feel like I’m just sending these damn things into outer space!’ When I saw that blurb on the news about the spaceship missing, I thought I better alert the authorities!”
Martha called local police, who transferred her to a 24-hour government hotline associated with terrorist activities. In a joint effort by thick-necked mouth-breathing men at Rolling Stone, Alternative Press, and NASA Secret Police, Sir Millard Mulch and cohorts were apprehended in the bindery room of South Venice Imprinting and Bindery in less than 15 minutes, hog-tied, blind-folded, taken to a small room, and questioned for 13 hours, in a manner not even deserved by James Pitts.
Ed Furniture President, Devin Early, after being bribed with Comedy Central, admitted a little known axiom, justifying the companies promotional tactics: “No matter how much money you spend and how advanced the delivery system, you will never be able to verify that a Sir Millard Mulch CD and promotional kit have arrived safely at its destination.” Early could not comment further, as he had fallen asleep while petting some cats and drinking a Sprite with his shirt off immediately following the profound statement.
Nasa Secret Police raided the Ed Furniture offices later than evening and found conclusive evidence, which they believe may prove that a Sir Millard Mulch CD was secretly stowed away on board of the Mars Polar Lander, thus making it unable to achieve radio contact with NASA. Investigation is still underway.