I’m a collector of heuristics. Here’s one that applies to online dating. Disclaimer: I’ve heard women complain about this dynamic, too.
PART ONE
In the heterosexual dating world, men are typically expected to initiate.
Sure. I can do that.
When I find someone on the apps that I’m possibly interested in?*
I take the time to write a short, thoughtful message related to her bio. Some combination of a little compliment and a gentle question. Nothing intrusive or high-pressure. A couple of sentences, an emoji.
“Someone’s got good taste in bookstores. I love that place. 😀 Do you have a favorite?”
Or…
“Hey, fellow vegan. 🌱 What’s the best feasting spot over there in ___?”
Or even…
“Wowsers, you went straight to quoting Donald Hoffman! That’s a first. 😱”
If she matches with me?
I want her first response to contain some curiosity: about me.
In other words, It’s Your Turn.
If she doesn’t add value and only answers the question…
My new rule:
One strike.
Unmatch.
There are enough details in my profile. I read books (and even write them), play music, have a solid career, am healthy, go cycling with my friends… and if NOTHING ELSE, she can ask me about my spooky-looking cat.
It’s easy to come up with something to ask — just to demonstrate bare minimum interest in me as a person. Even the most low-effort, generic follow-up question is good enough: “What about you?”
In improv, you’ve got to Yes, And. Or at least Accept The Offer.
Seems dating apps are full of unskilled scene partners.
This new rule of thumb should save me a lot of energy… because in my experience, if it starts out imbalanced, it never gets better.
I won’t count on anyone to learn a new behavior when there’s no incentive to.
If I allow it to continue, this dynamic can go on for YEARS, and even develop into a relationship! Many women I’ve dated seem happy to play the role of The Avoidant. Why not? It’s working for them!†
But from my perspective, it feels like I’m having a tea party with stuffed animals. The moment I stop doing all the work, the fantasy ends.
Sometimes they wonder: what happened?
I’ll tell you what happened: I stopped being the primary investor in our connection.
Sincerely, it’s okay. I’m sure there are plenty of other dudes lined up: dating app stats suggest there are 2-3 men for every woman.
PART TWO
What causes all of this in the first place?
Why do some people try, and some don’t?
Sad answer. I think it’s Status Hierarchy.
The person perceived as “lower value” gets stuck being the giver… while the person perceived as “higher value” is used to being the receiver.‡
Our value to the broad dating market is based on beauty, intelligence (often manifesting as “make me laugh”), fame, and money. Especially in Los Angeles.
It’s largely materialistic and transactional, even if we don’t want to admit it.
Surprise! She wouldn’t be “too busy” to reply to Ryan Gosling.
That means, for whatever specific reason, a woman might simply perceive me as “lower value.” Maybe my forehead is too big, I’m not obsessed enough with traveling, or I don’t have ILM credits on my iMDB.
Or maybe because I’m one of fifty men who messaged her that day. Who knows?
I get it. I have plenty of my own dealbreakers: Burning Man, skydiving, dead animals, F1… and for some reason, blue eyes.
Overall, I have to admit I have a pretty good track record with dating. I still look young for my age, I have time and resources, and I enjoy being generous + chivalrous. It’s not that hard to find someone willing to put up with Carl King.
No need for 3 attempts.
Lack of curiosity in the first message filters out bad deals.
This is all just my own totally subjective opinion. It’s not advice for anyone. I’m sure billions of other people are happy with that non-reciprocal style of relating.
*I estimate it’s maybe 1 out of 200. About .5%. Just a guess. It’s a hell of a lot of swiping left.
†This is clearly not an attack on all women. It’s based only on the experiences I’ve had.
‡I’m always hesitant to use the word sociopath, but I dated someone who seriously believed she was “better than other people.” Perhaps all that Buddhism wasn’t working.