Do you struggle with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria? Anxious Attachment? Just need a dose of good ol’ social paranoia to ruin your day? This list is for you.
These signs can apply to friendships, family, dating, or marriage.
1 – Never initiates. You call and visit them. They don’t call or visit you. If you don’t solely maintain the connection, it ends.
2 – They are big in your world. You are small in theirs.
3 – Rejects your offers to connect and won’t make counteroffers. As in, “I can’t tonight, but how about tomorrow night?”
4 – Talks about themselves non-stop and dominates the conversation. Doesn’t pause for you to speak.
5 – Gives you unthoughtful, impersonal gifts.
6 – Does not care about your inner world. You’re psychologically invisible to them.
7 – Not curious about your past traumas and how you struggle to overcome them. If you have problems, then you’re just weak.
8 – Never compliments you.
9 – Takes no interest in the things you created or accomplished.
10 – Cannot simply value and enjoy your presence. Offering yourself is not good enough. Spending time together requires justification: somewhere to “go” or something to “do.” God forbid you focus on each other.
11 – Will not make you a priority in their life. Won’t make or keep plans with you. Always fills their time with something else more important. Always “so busy!”
12 – There’s a conflict of interest — a secondary benefit to knowing you (money, networking, helping them with something).
13 – Perceives you as lower than them on an imaginary status hierarchy (“I’m better / more famous / smarter / better looking than you are”). Assumes dominance and superiority.
14 – Only communicates with you via low-effort actions (social media likes, forwarding you reels). Or the dreaded cliche texts like, “Happy Friday! I hope you are well,” that they copy and paste to 27 other people.
15 – Replies to your messages with stock answers, a single emoji, or witty “send, close the window, and immediately forget you exist” -type comments. Adds no sincere value.
16 – Doesn’t reply at all, but during that time, posts on social media.
17 – Defaults to criticism instead of support and understanding: “tough love.”
18 – Around for the good times — abandons you in the bad times.
19 – Looks at their phone and other things more than they look at you.
20 – Inconsistent with their attention. They come and go when it’s convenient for them.
21 – Won’t accommodate your weaknesses — or even your preferences. Does not respect your boundaries or things that make you uncomfortable.
22 – Refuses a serious conversation to work through disagreements or problems. You’re not worth the trouble.
23 – Keeps parts of their life separate from you — friends you can’t meet, places you can’t go with them. Doesn’t include you in important events like birthdays or holidays.
24 – Makes constant jokes at your expense, digging at your specific insecurities. Sniping at you from behind the cover of “just kidding.”
25 – Discourages your dreams and goals. “You’ll never be good at that.”
26 – You’re not their first choice. You’re a backup when other options fall through.
27 – Makes no effort to remember important details about you, like your birthday or your favorite anything. Won’t even write them down.
28 – Doesn’t respect your time. Keeps you waiting with no updates or apology.
29 – Not loyal. Not on your team. Doesn’t defend you. Takes the other side in public.
30 – Does not appreciate (or even notice) the time, energy, and money you spend on your relationship.
31 – Cares more about how strangers feel than how you feel.
32 – Doesn’t tell you how much they like you — tells you how much they like others, including exes.
33 – Believes everything they do is justified and rational. Everything you do is evil, always assuming negative intent.
34 – Will not apologize, even if you apologize regularly.
35 – Doesn’t value you as a person, only as the prepackaged social role you play.
36 – Does not recognize what makes you unique or special.
37 – Once you’ve helped them solve many of their problems, they decide YOU are the problem.
38 – Won’t take advice from you, but will take the same advice from strangers. Doesn’t value your input or opinions.
39 – Will only spend time with you in groups, not one-on-one. Invites other people without asking.
40 – When you share a thought or story with them, they interrupt — to tell you something it reminds them of, never returning to your unfinished thought or story.
41 – Doesn’t allow you to make your own decisions or have input. “You wouldn’t have wanted to go.”
42 – Will not make a trade-off or give up anything to make room for you in their life. You’re always the last clown stuffed into the car.
43 – Treats you in ways you would not treat them: cursing at you, name-calling, mocking, yelling, etc.
44 – Stirs up jealousy by communicating with mysterious new men/women you’ve never heard of. “Now who the heck is Tim?!”
45 – Consistently attracts and onboards more problematic people into your life together, never considering the impact on you.
46 – Unable to talk about and work on their own flaws, but happy to focus on yours.
47 – They’re so damaged from previous relationships that they use avoidance as a relationship strategy: it becomes a competition to prove who is less interested and thus has more power. “Abuse them before they abuse me.”
48 – They pathologically infiltrate your friend group, make friends with them, and then exclude you.
49 – You support and help them achieve their goals, but they abandon you when you ask for the same.
50 – Instead of full-on ghosting you, they only half-ghost: hanging around, kinda half-ass haunting you. “Dude, if you don’t like me and don’t want to be friends, just fully disappear.”
Or maybe it’s obvious: they simply don’t give a fuck about you. 🙂
Reflection: I know this list is dark and hyperbolic(al). It’s possible they actually give a fuck in a style we can’t understand. Different love languages, etc. Or they might not have learned how to show they give a fuck. (It’s probably impossible to do all of these things perfectly).
When we feel bad, it’s a natural defense to blame someone else.
I constantly experience feelings of neglect and rejection, and it’s pretty obvious I project my fears onto whoever is around me. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t really happening sometimes. I struggle to tell the difference, and it’s the worst thing about being me.
I have felt this way since (at least) kindergarten. Every day, I ran to my teacher, Mrs. Dahlgard, and cried: “No one wants to play with me!” I’m sure I’ve triggered these feelings in others, too. They’ve told me so.
And this is not a passive-aggressive attack on anyone specific. It’s compiled from my 49 years of feeling unliked.